He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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