I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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