wake up i wanna do it froggy style
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
