there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
