Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
