Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
