I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
