he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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