It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
