Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
