Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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