I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
