hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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