and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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