My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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