I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
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