Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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