I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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