i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i think my cat just said my name.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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