it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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