Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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