Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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