I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
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