Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You pole danced in your parka.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
