No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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