I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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