Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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