No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
