No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
