dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just had sex bonerless
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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