Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's not a walk of shame if you run
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
