a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
