I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The Olympian is in my bed
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
