I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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