so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
