after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
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you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
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Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"