I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
