Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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