i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
