Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
