dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
