Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
