the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
