I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
