Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
