If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
