yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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