can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
