I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
