I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
