I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
