Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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