All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
