Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
