that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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