The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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