dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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