I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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