Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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